Self Confidence – The Deciding Factor

Ruth was one of my best friends in elementary school. She was not the most talented student, nor the most intelligent. She was not the best student at school. But she had great confidence. She had this special attitude of “I can do it”. Later, after graduation, she went on to work for a corporation. I followed her career, when she went up the corporate ladder, and lastly landed a very prominent, central position at her company. I saw her take on projects that took major skills, I figured she didn’t have. She just attacked each project by using this “can do” attitude, and she always found the right resources to either get the skills she needed, or found the right people to take on the assignments she could not perform herself. I had been amazed at her achievements.

From observing Ruth and several other people around me during my career, I learned an essential lesson: one’s confidence determines one’s career. A person can be a genius. He can be most qualified for any job. If he doesn’t think that he can do it, he might not even take on a job in the first place. If he is doing take it on, probably he will not be as successful as he could.

Just a few weeks ago, I had a conversation with Tammy, another friend of mine. She is a very talented psychologist, very respected at her work place and by her superiors. She explained about a position that is available at her office. I figured that it would be a fabulous opportunity for Tammy, but she said that she is not going to apply for this position, because she doesn’t have enough experience, she does not have the skills needed, and it’ll take at least another 5 years for her to be able to fulfill this position.

Whether Tammy was right or otherwise in her assessment, I believe that this incident proves my point: confidence is really a deciding factor for how successful one will be.

So how can we make sure our child develops strong confidence in his ability In my opinion, this really is one of the major issues in parenting. All educators need to ponder this and ensure they support confidence.

Here are a few suggestions that can make a huge difference in your child’s confidence:

1. “You can perform it”. Say it for your child often. Teach your son or daughter to say to himself, when he tries to conquer a challenging assignment: “I can perform it”.

It is very noticeable that after working on a Math problem, again, confidence is the deciding factor. Students who doubts their own ability to solve the problem, may not apply himself in attempting to solve the problem. He’ll easily say “I can’t do it” or “it’s impossible to solve this”. A student with strong confidence will try until he finds the answer.

Help your child, by reminding him that he can do it. Teach him to express to himself, “I can perform it!”.

2. Don’t criticize your son or daughter when he attempts an activity. Don’t correct him. It’s so tempting to correct a young child, when you see him doing something “wrong”. You be careful about your child coloring, or attempting to write, at an early age. He’s holding the pen in an awkward position, as well as your mind is screaming “You hold the pen like this, nothing like that!”. Exercise discipline – do not do it!

Should you let your son or daughter hold the pen incorrectly No, absolutely not! But let him do his research, his experimentation. Allow him to try different ways to keep the pen, to see by himself what’s most efficient. If you want, you can take your own pen, as well as your own paper, and do some writing right next to him. He will watch you, and see how you hold the pen. I am sure that he will try your method, and come to his own conclusion.

My neighbor Chris visited me together with his 4 year old son, Nick. To keep Nick happy and busy, we gave him some crayons, pencils and paper, so that we could have our very own conversation. As Nick was attempting to write his name, holding the pencil inside a slightly awkward position, writing some letters which had no resemblance towards the letters in his name, his father jumped up, yanked the pencil from his hand, wrote the name down in front of him, and said, “What happened for you! This is wrong, this is how you write your name!” Nick is an extremely serious child, who attempts everything to the best of his ability. When i looked at him, I noticed the expression on his face. It had been very troubled. He laid the pencil down, and refused to test any more. What is the message Chris has given to his son I think that the thought that experienced Nick’s head was, “I am not good at this”. Ok, I provide you with 3 guesses: how good is Nick’s handwriting now, at age 8 – You guessed it! It’s not good.

3. Praise, praise, praise. Take the opportunity to celebrate every achievement, big or small. Praise your child for a good effort to complete an assignment. Praise your son or daughter for learning a new skill. Praise your child when he shows interest. Praise your child when he shows drive. Praise your child for anything that you want to encourage.

Praise has to be sincere, obviously. Praise has to be combined with enthusiasm. It has to feel great.

Before my son, Eric, was 24 months old, we started taking piano lessons together. I have always wanted to learn to play the piano, but my parents didn’t make it available to me. So now I saw a chance. Our scheduled lessons started with Eric, and when Eric was done I got my lesson. The piano teacher used to praise me lavishly. She told me how talented I am. She told me that adults, when learning to play the piano, tend to be much slower than I’m, that I am learning so quick, that I have a natural ability. Well – I loved likely to these lessons. I enjoyed the teachings. I was very enthusiastic about learning to play the piano. Obviously, when the praise worked so well for me, an adult, wouldn’t it work wonders for a child

4. At the end of the day, whenever you tuck your child to bed, discuss the day’s events with your child. Ask the important question: Tell me about the good things that happened today. Guarantee the last thoughts of your child, before he snoozes, are the good, positive experiences of the day. Make sure you praise him for something he did today, some achievement. End the day on a positive note. This will also insure that you simply haven’t forgotten to praise your child where praise arrives.

5. Write down a few affirmations for your child. Illustrations for affirmations are: “You are so smart, and getting smarter every day”. Or “You are learning increasingly more every day”. Affirmations need to be written in the present tense, in positive format (“I am strong and healthy”, instead of “I am not sick”). Think of your child’s challenges at the time, or if your child were built with a bad experience, write an affirmation that will negate the negative experience. (Remember – you write it in a positive format).

Repeat the affirmations to your child, 3 times each. 2 to 3 affirmations at a time are plenty. If your child cooperates, teach him to say the affirmations to himself. This can be done during the day, and at bed time. Early morning at the time your child wakes up is also a good time for affirmations. It is a good idea to read the affirmations into a recording device, and let your child listen to them at his convenience, or while you are driving, waiting in line, or just resting.

6. Your child learns about the world and about himself from you, and from the community that he is in. Teachers, classmates and friends could also easily affect your child’s confidence. It is a good idea to make sure, towards the best of your ability, that your child is in an optimistic environment.

If your child is extremely young, make sure others who take care of him are also aware and considerate of the child’s confidence. When you choose a day care facility for your child, or a baby sitter, make sure you choose a positive environment. If your child is older and goes to school, it is a good idea to meet your child’s teacher at the start of the school year, and make sure they are positive, gentle and respectful. You are able to specifically bring up the issue of confidence and ask them to support your child’s confidence. It is always good to choose a teacher for your child who’s cooperative, a teacher who’ll work with you for that benefit of your child.

7. Make sure your child knows he is able to discuss with you any issue that’s on his mind. This way, if something negative happens, you’ll be able to help your child deal with it in a positive way, instead of creating a painful memory that could affect your child throughout his life.

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